I know we are all in a bad headspace right now. And yet we have to be a part of this life. And we scroll and like and post and kiss and get excited about making the perfect pasta after watching how to make Italian tomato sauce the right way on MasterChef. The pandemic is still a thing and now everyone around is suddenly sick. But yet we order those earrings online and get excited about trying out ear cuffs for the first time and send our friends screenshots of profiles of unbelievably stupid boys we come across on dating apps online.
I know none of these things seem worthwhile when you aren’t sure if your parents will be alright and if you will ever be able to live the kind of life you know you deserve. And yet I know that we should definitely fall in love with obscure songs we luck upon and order cupcakes for ourselves and call up that friend who made us laugh in school that we randomly dreamed about seven years after last haven spoken. I know we should do these things because otherwise life is just suffering and yes the Buddha said to live is to suffer but is it so horrible if I refuse to accept that as my 100% reality? As our 100% reality?
I want to drive to your home and kiss you so hard and I want you to send me that book you can’t stop talking about. And yes I don’t know much about wine or cars or how to dance in public. But gosh, do I want to try. I want to hold your hand and have yours be around my waist and giggle because your eyes won’t stop looking at my face and it makes me feel like I did when I was fourteen and in love for the first time. So yes we are all just cogs in this capitalistic and stupid society and nothing is ever going to be completely alright and I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much to live but it does and it does and it does.
I won’t blame anyone for trying to make little spaces of joy and calm and laughter. It’s okay if one wall is aesthetic even if the rest of your room is a dump. You are not a hypocrite for writing about self love when most days you can’t stop telling yourself how stupid you are for letting yourself trust the hearts of others again. You are not a hypocrite for smiling when it hurts. You are able to smile and shine brightly without being perfect because your heart knows what pain is.
You are trying to figure out what else you can make with lemons other than lemonade and I know you haven’t learned to bake yet but we will get to the lemon tart on some July afternoon when you will be with people who never once make you doubt if you are loved and wanted and adored. Even then there will be suffering and there will be hurt. But you will continue to learn new languages and fangirl about the brilliant scriptwriting of that new drama and tell your mother that you love her.
So go little Rockstar.
You are doing so well.